On Daydreams

You know those moments in movies, tv shows, cartoons… Where every time a character has a fantasy or day dream, the air squiggles in and out or time and space ripples outwards from their heads? 

Wouldn’t that be cool if that happened in real life? Then you could see how often people are thinking about something else or why the people in the car in front of you haven’t put their foot on the gas even though the light turned green. 

For me, it’s not like this giant, slow-mo moment like it is in the movies– slipping into my own thoughts or fantasies often come unexpectedly, without acknowledging it, and before I know it I’m snapping back to attention either on my own, like “huh, that was interesting to think about, that was fun, I’m done now”, or I’m snapped out by the efforts of someone else to get my attention, caught off guard like “wha-ahahdhjdjddjhdjgkgjshgagagshd hmm?”

And I honestly don’t think my “day dreams” are “dreams”.. There more of a flitting between off-task thoughts ranging anywhere from in-depth pondering a of my surroundings, what I forgot to do earlier in the day, what I want to do in the future…

Sometimes they’re a welcomed distraction to awkward silences, blankness in my head… Or just a form of deep reflection in peaks of boredom on long car rides. 

In essence, I think, like normal night-time dreams, daydreams help humans cope with conscious life… And even connect with the subconscious. 

What do y’all daydream about? 

Xoxo,

Steph 

Pic From http://www.playbuzz.com/christopherwallace10/what-do-your-daydreams-say-about-you

On Blue

Well, this is gonna be an odd post… It’s hard especially when the prompt is a single word denoting a color….

But here goes. 

When I think of the color blue… I think of the ocean, the sky, my little sister’s eyes, that rhyme for brides on their wedding day…loyalty, sadness, the multitude of dresses in my closet…

Honestly, I think I’m just gonna tackle this with some mood boards– these are all blue things I love:

From http://blog.houseofbeatniks.com/colour/colour-mood-boar-teal/

From http://www.tanisfiberarts.com/blog/2015/5/mood-board-monday-peacock

Wow I just realized how much I love looking at the lighter and greener hues of blue 😍😍

From http://www.smartspaceinteriors.com/pastel-perfection/

From http://kelbournewoolens.com/blog/2015/4/color-story

From https://sler.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/colour-themed-moodboards/

Gorgeous color, love the natural elements. Even though green is my fave colour, blue is second place in my heart. 

Xoxo,

Stephanie 

On Friends

*getting groove on*

🎶 “I’ll be there for youuuuuuuuuuuuu—“

Oh 

Hey there–

Yeah..

Just..

Any mention of the plural of “friends” gets me going on that old show that is literally circle of friends goals. 

And having a circle of friends like that is probably the most amazing thing ever. It’s actually something I’ve coveted for the majority of my teen life. 

Just yesterday I was talking to one of my good friends about friendship… About how at an early age I seemed to bounce around from friend group to friend group, and never really had a “best friend” until middle school. And since then, I’ve just come to the realization that friendships are sometimes the wildest, most unpredictable, most enjoyable, most subtly saddening things ever. I would say that I have 3 best friends, one of them being J, but I guess it’s a little different with someone you’re romantically involved in. But as for the other two, the past couple years has been a whirlwind of watching them grow and evolve, with and without boyfriends… And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel distant with them at one time or another… Or that I have felt 100% comfortable with their decisions on some things… But that’s what friendship is, right? Like Pokémon you evolve together and battle through hard times and question your trainers….

(Okay, maybe I stretched that Pokémon analogy a little far, but you know. ^_^)

But the point is that drifting is normal, all the change that comes with a typical friendship is normal, and the fact that you can still go and talk to them in times of need, or just plain small talk conversation, and just be so unapologetically yourself around them is so important. 

There’s that thing they say, that the friends you end up having your senior year are the friends that you should have had all along… And I honestly can relate to that. There are a good handful of people I’ve gotten to know this past year who have just had such an impact on my life and mental health. And I’m so grateful for them. 

That being said, I’ve also had a handful of friends that I have just had to let go of… Whether it be because we’ve taken different paths… Or I’ve realized an inevitable toxic vibe… It simply grown apart. It’s a crucial (albeit sad) part of friendship, but I’d say it’s really crucial in discovering who you are and what you want to see in future friends you may acquire later on. 

They don’t tell you early on that sometimes it’s good to lose friends. The whole “bffs forever” trend in tweens is sometimes unrealistic (but kudos to those relationships that do work out). In my opinion, sometimes losing friends is just as important as gaining them. And the principle “quality > quantity” is so very applicable. My entire early growing up I just wanted (and so very much subconsciously needed) that one single friend to bond with. And I’d say now that I’m a lot closer to having that.

But it’s also hard, leaving for college later this summer… I’ll be thrust into a new atmosphere of people and my search will, essentially, start all over again. I mean, I’ll still have the people that I’ve known for years like my 2 girlfriends and J… But it’s the day-to-day friends that I’ll be needing… And so will my current close friends at their colleges. 

So I guess I just have to stay open to the bonds I have now as well as the potential ones… And just be prepared for growth in both fields. 

xoxo,

Steph 

On the Beach

How appropriate, since that’s where I am currently. 

There’s something awesome about blogging seaside– the pounding waves give a sense of soothing clarity that is seldom found anywhere else. 

This post will be mostly pictures, just cuz the beach is something I love looking at, love taking in, love enjoying. And sometimes pictures say it better. 

But what I will say about the beach is that it’s kinda like humans. Soothing, sometimes forceful, sometimes gentle… always changing and full of surprises. And every time I come here it’s hard not to feel serene…and I think a lot, and reflect a lot, and read and write with the ocean doing its thing in the background and it’s just lovely. And the best part is, I’ll get to be one with the ocean for the next two weeks. 

After stopping at a Denny’s at 1:00am and making a random Wal-Mart trip at 3:00am (which I apparently missed cuz I stayed asleep in the car), we finally got here in OC MD last night around 4:00am (my family is insane when in comes to traveling places and leaving on time and arriving on time and traveling during NORMAL HUMAN TRAVEL HOURS…. Sigh). I didn’t end up falling asleep until around 6:00am, but I got to see the sun wake up, which was purty nice. 

And so it begins… Sharing yet another tiny condo with 6 other people who will all most likely get on each others nerves 1000 times over before July 9th…. But we’ll try to have fun in the meantime. 

xoxo,

Steph 

On Beauty

You know those times when you wish you could just go back to who you were 5 years ago and advise the hell out of yourself based on the overload of information you’ve collected in your most recent, wiser years?

Yeah… I’ve had a lot of those. In a world where being skinny is hot, and fat shaming is subtly everywhere (special s/o to the unrealistic mannequins in every store), it’s so hard for anyone to be comfortable in their own skin. But even with all the negative stigma flying around, there exists simultaneously a revolution. A revolution against the “ideal” body, face, gender… And it gives the rest of us hope. 

In elementary school I was a pudgy child– being petite, all the weight was around my waist and in my face, but I didn’t really care. I just went to school and learned and did recess and had fun. 

And then I got to middle school, and guys liked girls and girls wore mascara and eyeliner and wore tight tank tops from Aeropostale with leggings and Uggs and the cool kids were the “beautiful” ones. And I guess it is biological. People like attractive people– it’s just something that happens (I’ve seen this firsthand where I used to waitress, with a fellow -rather hot- coworker, and though he’d provide equal or less quality of service to customers as I would, he would get massive tips from women customers. But that’s another thing). 

Beauty became the *thing*, and everyone was trying to bust acne and slim down and work out, and cover up– and I just felt lost and behind and just the odd one out in my jeans, converse, and pullover shirts. I didn’t like wearing makeup past mascara, and I just wasn’t into it. 

And then I hit high school and discovered  that makeup wasn’t so bad…. Even later I discovered that it’s not necessary, and that you can wear it because you want to, or because it boosts confidence, not solely for pleasing someone of the opposite gender.  But the pressures still lingered, with clothes, hair, face… All of that. And I just got so sick of people’s judgement that I decided to go naked for a week, essentially. I didn’t bother with makeup and I disregarded slaving over my wardrobe and it felt. So. Good. Not giving a care about what people thought and summoning the bravery to put yourself unmarked in front of everyone like a token of “take it or leave it” really boosted my self confidence. 

Finally, my senior year rolled around and I was practically all the way settled into my skin when I clinched the deal with myself– I was doing a video project with my English class and it involved me dressing up as a cowboy. My friend decided it would be a fun idea to put a beard on me with water-proof eyeliner for the shooting of the film. The beard looked good on camera, but by the end of class I didn t have time to wash it off before my choir class. A bit panicked and embarrassed, I changed my clothes and bore the beard to the choir room, letting my hair fall in front of my face to avoid awkward glances. 

Well, it didn’t work that well, because  people gave me all kinds of looks going down the hallway, and my choir teacher practically fell down laughing when she finally caught a glimpse of my face.

But the more people looked at me, the more they laughed and I laughed with them, I realized that being able to laugh at yourself is so crucial– that being able to forget vanity for 90 minutes and concentrate on your actions and the people around you is soooo valuable. 

(cuz let’s be honest you wanted to see this)

Since then I find it easier to go places in my own skin, with or without makeup without all the self-consciousness. And I’m not saying makeup or working out or dieting is bad– not at all. Just make sure that it contributes to nobody’s happiness other than your own. 

I personally don’t work out a lot (I bike a ton, and when I waitresses I’d be on my feet swiftly walking for like, 5 hours) and sometimes I’m not satisfied with what the mirror shows me. But it’s okay. Everyone has that dissatisfaction at one time or another, but if I decide to change something I’m sure as hell but gonna be doing it for society, a boy, or anyone else who is going to judge me. 

So honestly, go wear that bikini, even if society (or your mom!) says you’re not “beach ready”. Go eat that extra slice of pizza because you’re a little hungry. Work that winged eyeliner you love because it brings out your eyes. And just relish in your own confidence. If more people were focused on loving themselves, I feel like there would automatically be a greater capacity for people to love others. 

xoxo,

Steph 

On Laughter

For someone who seems somewhat sad lately, I’ve had a lot of this. Laughter is probably the best medicine (next to sex), and it honestly does so much in terms of bringing people together.  Laughter is how I handle awkward situations, stop crying, break the ice with new people, and feel better again.

I can’t write about this without thinking about the last time I lost myself in hysterical  laughter…

I was at my good friends house, and she had her little cousins over. They wanted to watch a movie, so we settled on watching Disney Pixar’s “The Good Dinosaur” (so underrated– it’s a beautiful, touching film, but had all its release thunder taken away by “Inside Out”, albeit another gorgeous and touching film). Anyways. (I’ll try not to spoil things) Between laughing at how the dinosaurs had become domesticated and how the human running around was wild, we stumbled across a scene that basically included a drug trip on acid or LSD. The baby dinosaur and the human both are some strange berries, and before you know it, space and time was bending onscreen, and the shapes of the dinosaur and human were being stretched to extremes. I don’t know why my friends and I completely lost it at that part– perhaps it was because Disney so blatantly made a drug reference in an obvious kids movie, or that the little kids that were watching it with us did not really know what was happening.

Either way, my lungs and stomach hurt afterwards, and thinking about it even now brings all the smirks to my face. There’s just such a relieving release from laughter– and I wish people could take advantage of it every day…

SUMMERRR

Coming to you live from a dismal doctors waiting room! (Ugh college immunizations…) I just finished counting, and I have about 51 days left in student limbo.

That being said, I’m going to try to make the most out of these next 50ish days, and try to reunite with those that I’ll separated from later in August (sad face).   

But I’m also going to try to get on this space more, because I’ve missed it so much and I don’t have school work I have to tend to (not yet, anyways 😎). 

Annnnd during my search for topics to blog about, inspiration and all that jazz… I discovered this blog challenge from last year where the prompts are a single word– and I guess you just write about whatever comes to mind regarding that topic. 

So I think I’ll try that. 

Also just a random interjection– I went through and read blog posts from 3 years  ago and MAN. They are so annoying 😂😭 I guess you don’t really see how weird/angsty/awkward/unnecessarily self-centered you are until time has passed and you look back and it’s too late and you just cringe…

Guess I’ll start this tomorrow! 

xoxo,

Steph

Tassels Transferred + An Update

I’m still kinda in denial.

Graduation was basically a week ago, but somehow I can’t get over the fact that I won’t be waking up at 7:30 every morning next year… In my house, with my parents and siblings…

With no one telling me what to do when, who to see when, when to go to sleep and when to wake up….

Walking across the stage was surreal… But perhaps the craziest part that will remain vivid in my mind forever was when we first filed in the gymnasium. We were in alphabetical order, and I was, as always, at the end of the line to go in. But when the back end of us finally entered in the doors, we were met with thunderous, standing applause from every wall of bleachers… It was so powerful, to look around and see all of these people who have basically built us to be who we are now clapping and cheering, exclaiming their pride on two feet with vigorous applause, seeming to say “we’re so proud of you, this is your moment, you made it, congratulations, it’s all gonna change soon but we’re gonna be here, cheering you on”. It made me choke up, not gonna lie.

And the air conditioner didn’t die! For once… And I didn’t mess up my senior solo, and I didn’t trip walking up to the stage or back from it….

Afterwards my family and I went to one of my favorite small restaurant spots with awesome Mediterranean cuisine, and my mom tried to buy me a drink, asking the waitress “how old do you have to be to drink?” Which made me laugh because she grew up with the drinking age as 18 instead of today’s age, 21. And me, being 19, didn’t get a drink that day.

And so here I am.

I’m a teenager in limbo. Not a student, not a full fledged adult (I mean, I’m 19, technically an adult.. But then adults don’t blow off their taxes for 9 months and quit their jobs to go on vacation…or do they?)

Speaking of quitting work… My family is gonna go to the beach this Saturday, with my widowed grandmother. It’ll be the last normal family vacation for a whiiiiile, but my boss would flip his little bipolar lid if he lost me for two weeks. But it’s okay, because I was kinda done with the drama at the place I worked anyways.. Who knew a mini soap opera could exist within a family-owned Italian restaurant…

I write now in the middle of no-where Maryland, from  the house of my grandmother sandwiched in between a creek and a river. My mom planned to visit her mom for two reasons– 1) to just provide some company for her since she’s a little lonely, and 2) to coax her into actually coming to the beach with us this is weekend.

She used to go with her husband in September, after the intense tourism waves, in a more low-key part of Delaware. But ever since her husband passed away, she says she hasn’t really been able to wrap her mind about going back. And I don’t blame her– it must be so hard to go back to a place that you used to visit with the love of your life by your side for 50 years or so straight…

But she has made comments about being half way willing recently, and my mom is using these two days to connect with her and help tip the scale.

And my siblings and I are just along for the ride. I appreciate getting away from everything for a bit– it’s peaceful here, and I spent many hours (for the first time in a while) outside fishing! I feel kind of fuzzy and big sisterly for the first time in a while too, as I taught Boo how to cast off with a fishing pole for the first time, on the same ground where I learned from my uncle. So there’s that.

Despite the peaceful atmosphere and the big sister vibe however.. I scrambled this morning to register for my fall classes… And boy did my upcoming college adventure hit me hard.. I had to sit down and plan all my classes out on paper and do the best I could to choose my classes via the website ON MY PHONE because I did not have a computer. That kind of sucked… But it made me think so hard about the year ahead, and further texting sprees with my awesome room mate made it all so real to me–the fact that I’ll be moved out of my home at the end of August, 3 hours away with a(n amazing) girl I’m just now getting to really know, and that  for once I’ll be embarking on a personalized educational journey of mostly my creation… It’s just a bit overwhelming at times. In a good way.

But when it all became too much and I wanted to throw my phone at the wall for the lack of service and battery power, I just had to stop and go outside, and I helped a lot. Being out here watching an amazing sunset was just all around healing.

Annnnnd here are some shots I got from today!

 

 

I’ve got one more day here, then last day at work on Wednesday, and then I pack for the beach, get stabbed with immunizations, attempt to watch Finding Dory in theatres before I don’t see J for a month…

And then I’ll be going down for orientation soon.

It’s crazy how fast the time flies and will fly…

And all I can do is attempt to reel it back in as slowly as I can.

xoxo,

Steph

Just Some Pre-Graduation Reflection and a To-Do List

Creds to Google for this artsy graduation sunset pic!

So fun news, guys.

I graduate tomorrow.

I graduate from a structured schedule of school for 6 hours everyday, from parents nagging at me to get up, to eat something, to close the door on the fridge/microwave… from AP courses and high school musicals and choir and my beloved improv team….

And I don’t know quite how to feel about that yet.

I do know that my graduation cap and gown feel huge and flowy, and I’m afraid I’ll trip in my shoes while I’m walking the stage.. also I got hit with a blasted cold and my throat is all sore and I can’t breathe sometimes and the congestion is abundant and I have a freaking senior solo with my choir ):

But aside from all the gazillion worries from tomorrow, I feel… oddly at peace.

Just two days ago I had my last choral banquet ever, and afterwards, a close choral friend and I went to Starbucks to loiter.  It was just getting to be dark, the sunset was gorgeous, and she didn’t want to go home. She ordered a water (because Starbucks water tastes better than normal people water, obviously) and I got the strongest flavored herbal tea that I could to soothe my throat and attempt to bring my sense of taste back (update: it didn’t work.. but it soothed my throat!)  But after a while we just started talking.  About this year, about the past four years… and we identified the fact that you really do end up finding out who your friends are, who you are, and what you want to see in others but you don’t always find.  Mid conversation discussing who had changed, who had been there since the beginning, our amazing OTHER choral friend just popped up out of nowhere and sat with us.  She was apparently coming to loiter as well, get some Starbucks water and read her poetry and psych book (both which looked so intriguing and I wanna read them– one of them is called Subliminal by Leonard Mlodinow )… but instead she joined in on our conversation.

And friends, let me just say she’s like, an awesome person.  One of those people with a soul so old that you KNOW they’re one of those real hipsters before hipsters were cool.  She’s one of those people who has given up the thoughts of what others think of her and has replaced them with her own, and made them radiate throughout her being as a basic “here I am: don’t like it, alright, that’s cool, deuces”.

But as we talked together, it got deeper than any conversation I’ve had recently with anyone and made me think and rethink about a TON of things:
Why don’t we talk like this more often? 
Why are people so scared of being vulnerable? 
When are we ever going to realize that everyone suffers from loneliness? 
What, for the love of goodness sake, is holding me back?

And after the conversation we had, I could honestly rant about all of those questions up there for more time than you’d probably be willing to listen to me for.

And so all of us, at one point or another during the conversation, made a bucket list.  Rather, to make it more relevant, a to-do list.  And it’s not quite those bucket lists that say “I wanna go skydiving! And meet Justin Bieber!” but ours are targeted more to conquering ourselves and our personal connections.  Imagine it as a new year’s resolution and a bucket list morphed together.  Regardless of how you view it, I just wanna share mine here and do my best to make a conscious effort to look back at it and add to it, and check things off and just ultimately use them to find and promote happiness amongst us humans.  Because that’s what we’re all after, right?

The To-Do List

• Be more honest.
• Open your mind further than you think it will ever go– Try everything and refrain from harsh judgement.
• Create more art with my hands

And that’s all I have for right now, it’s a work in progress and I’m gonna build it (: What is it they say? Baby steps? Anyways, I know that before I graduate, and ultimately before I leave for college.. I want to make amends and do what I can to fix things (whether it’s with friends or family or parents) where I am… And check off a few of my to-do list things at home before I check them off in the big world.  

What’s on your to-do list?

xoxo,

Some End-of-Year Catchup + Prom for Half the Price

It’s been a long time since I posted in this space– and there’s so much I want to say but it’s such a busy time right now…
Just recently I had my last choral concert as a senior (themed British Invasion with musical inspiration from the best British artists)
And my last improv show with my troupe
…and my last performance with my acappella group.

There’s a lot of “last”s flying around right now, one of which includes PROM, the main topic of this post.
But even though they’re “last” events as a senior, it only means the beginning as a freshman in college– it’s just the first step of the rest of my life.

But anyways.
Enough of this mushy gushy sentimental graduation-goggle business– For those of you who still have proms left, here’s a couple of tips on how you can have a fabulous night for a fraction of the cost.

1. Get a used dress. (Chances are, you’ll only wear it once!) Whether you find it in a small consignment boutique, a dress swap, or prom dress drive (that’s where I found mine!) it cuts out a major expense of prom. In my case, I found an Alfred Angelo stunning canary silk-ish looking gown with a lace up back for–no lie– $0. I am a die-hard thrifter, and love the element of surprise when I can find a gorgeous gown that fits for less than a brand new one. However, if you do choose to buy a new one, consider donating it to any of those aforementioned places– another person’s used dress is a thrifty gal’s treasure 😎

Photo credits to MK Photography (love love LOVE her stuff– 10/10 would reccomend!)

2. Get lightly used shoes! (you’ll be kicking them off to dance anyways!) I tend to compromise comfort for glamour(5.5 inch heels are always a bad idea but I do it anyway), but if you’re trying to have height/glam all evening, definitely find something comfortable!

3. Do not go overboard on dinner before the dance. I understand that it’s a classy night, everyone looks good and wants to be classy. But it doesn’t mean you have to empty your wallet on one meal that you may or may not finish. Try to find an affordable yet nice place nearby, save room for dessert and, if you’re feeling it, smuggle some sourpatch kids and sweet tarts in your prom clutch (;

4. Carpool! Save the environment AND money on gas by double dating in one car or piling into a larger family-owned car. Limousines and party buses can be expensive, and it’s up to you whether you want to fork over lots of money for a minute long (albeit impressive) arrival.

5. Do your hair yourself. YouTube tutorials are lifesavers. Not to mention Pinterest and all that inspiration on the Internet– you’re bound to find the perfect hairstyle for your look. If you can’t do a style yourself, see if you can gets friend to help you out (or borrow their curling iron lol)

6. Same with your nails! Gels are gorgeous but pricey at times, not to mention they make texting a little cumbersome. Get a neutral colour you can paint on yourself and possibly dress up with nail glitter/sequins, or invest in one of those DIY drugstore mani pedi sets! (I recommend Sally Hansen)

7. Make your own floral arrangements. I’ve handmade my date’s boutonnieres for three years now, and not only is it super inexpensive but it’s also a fun and personal way to dress up a tux. (I always refer back to this tutorial, and this one if I can’t keep up with a video) whether I’m working with real or faux flowers. This year, I used a real yellow rose and leaves with a small spray of faux baby’s breath (pic of Jace and I)

Happy Promming!

J and I adding some spice to prom night

xoxo,