my brakes don’t work

I’ve tried to put on the brakes,
to tell myself that zipping down a hill on 24″ rims
is illogical
is irrational
and slightly dangerous
but I’m not really one to think
extensively before doing
nor am I one to wear a helmet,
unfortunately.
I prefer to be of the mindset that falling is for the foolish and that I
am just clever enough to stay on.
try as I might I can’t
shake the smile off my face–
in spite of the dark clouds that loom over
a stark contrast to the leaves stuck in transition
losing their life but finding their color
gradually then all at once
falling
until they, with trust abundant,
hit the ground wherever they fall,
some lingering and some blown only briefly
by bouts of brisk wind.
I’m seduced by the idea of letting go
of the handlebars, and thus
recreating the scene on the front of a boat on a bike, arms outstretched–
wind tearing through my hair
because that’s what it feels like
no matter what the weather
is doing outside my window.
I like it.

Herzlich wilkommen, Oktober.

I am practically 1/3 done with this first semester and I can’t exactly say I’m not relieved. I feel like all of the past weeks have blurred together into a single mess of sleep [or lack thereof], class, some crumbling of social circles, and not enough food.

[Reading] (and I’m being really lazy right now) the below, for a Humanities class. Interestingly enough, it’s one of the first accounts of the mistreatment of natives by European peoples. I don’t like how graphic re: the torture and mistreatment Las Casas gets, but hey, if you’re into that… be my guest.

 

[Writing] an essay for the aforementioned class. It’s the one class I get to do hard-core writing in, so I kind of enjoy it.

[Learning] More so than ever that easy isn’t always right, and what’s right isn’t always easy. Also learning how to take steps on my own.

[Doing/Working on] myself, quite honestly. There’s a lot of things I’m involved in, but one of them these past weeks have been me, and my well-being. One of my fellow blogger friends over at Simply Me talks a ton about this, about how self-love is such a vital part of who we are and all we can be. In fact, her latest post is a super great example of this.

[Eating] the randomest stuff. I had cheesecake for breakfast today, Pixi stix for a snack yesterday, and blue enchiladas for lunch today, if that gives you some idea of how messed up my…schedule is lately.

[Drinking] water, milk, coffee. God, coffee.

[Listening] to some feel-better songs. Take a peek.

[Laughing] mostly with my roommate.

[Thinking] about not thinking how the rest of the semester is going to turn out. I would like to not speculate and over analyse this time around.. and just see what happens.

[Trying] really really hard to practice some self restraint/control.

[Hoping] to be a bit more productive this week than last week.

[Loving] my favorite season. Everything in the world could be falling apart [ha!] but the vibrant colors on the trees that litter the mountains will forever give me grateful pause.

[Praying] for all of those who feel lost, alone… for the victims of the hurricane stampede, the victims of the Las Vegas shootings, for those who have voice in the legislature to help voice concerns about topics often overlooked, for close friends, for healing of hurt that seems bottomless and inescapable.

I woke up at the end of September, let’s see if I can stay awake to finish October.

💚,
steph