// mom’s coffee

I made mom’s coffee today

after picking up

then putting down

a small plastic cup that would probs

end up in the ocean anyways.

I read grandmother’s letter today

I could hear her words

through the tight lines of flowing cursive

always apologizing for hurting my eyes

with her meaningful, delicate strokes

if only she knew.

How much the joy triumphed over pain

combing through her letter.

I realize I’m becoming more

like the best parts of my mother every day

and cherishing the parts of my grandmother

that are tucked therein also.

I add creamer from the packet

and pour in my my two-minute microwaved water

toss in some sugar

and sit down

and remember.

// non, je ne regrette rien

Is it crazy of me

To want to go outside among the mist

Of cars racing past

Their wheels kicking up water from the dirty street

To want to feel damp to the bone

And watch as the raindrops

Dance down the windshields of the cars under the street lamps

Is it crazy of me

To want to fly down the road

Windows down

With the rain pouring in

A complete and utter blatant disregard for the saying of old

You’ll catch cold out there!

Especially if

I’m already sick

I’m already cold

I’m already catching it.

Is it crazy of me

To want to start everything at once

And then unabashedly decide

That I want none of it

And then just revert

To watching old Ellen re-runs

Until I muster up courage

To try again?

Is it crazy of me

To repeatedly put my independence on hold

To reach out again

In solidarity

In friendship

Towards a brick wall

That avoids communication of any kind

Mistaking caring

for interest

And understanding

For desire

Is it really that crazy of me

To hold on to the sliver of hope

That we can civilly come to terms

with who we are

And what we want?

xx

// when it rains

“This weather is disgusting.”

A disgruntled mutter comes from behind me

I look up from my stupid phone for a minute

And listen

as the tires rub their treads against the asphalt that is now shiny and slick

I watch

as the red and the gold and the green lights show off

streaming their reflections far beyond their mechanical parts

to highlight the ground under my footfalls

I glance upward

at the grey blanket of consistency that sheds a dull, even amount of light on everything

And feel the water that, with every drop against my face,

threatens to steal my mascara.

I let the cold, putrid scent of traffic fill my lungs

As I walk the white stripes diagonally to the other side

Looking briefly ahead

Behind

Beside

Thanking the clouds

and praising my hood

for granting me

just the right amount of anonymity

How can such disgusting weather

be such a beautiful escape?

xx

// dirty dishes

It’s wild, I think to myself

While doing the dishes

Watching the suds rise and fall

How much you consume

off my plate

Unaware

Of how much I

continuously

unabashedly

senselessly

hopelessly

set out at the table.

 

But

for what?

I scour the plate
Halfheartedly calling out

rhetorical questions

Won’t you stay?

For a drink?

For dessert?

For conversation?

For an extra helping of reconciliation?

I turn off the water

Much to my chagrin
and you’ve headed out

wordlessly

Mysteriously

 

It’s time to move on, time to dry!

But I’m not up for it

I cast the towel aside,

Draped neatly over the bar of the oven

And fix some black coffee instead.

xx

hello, february

It feels like forever since I’ve put something in this space.

I’ve been busy, I’ve been distracted, I’ve been feeling, I’ve been doing, I’ve been dying, I’ve been thriving. But no matter how many things I’ve been “doing”, this still remains a nice little corner of solace amidst all of it.

Just a bit ago I saw a really accurate piece of art/words by Mari Andrew that resonated with me— January has felt like it’s lingered around so long:

[From Mari Andrew’s instagram. She’s a brilliant writer and artist too, check her out!]

So shall we?

read/reading // writing // here!

Reading these gems, Hyperfocus by Chris Bailey [still!], and Deviced!, by Doreen Dodgen-Magee

learning // the value of heavy silence, of mindful ignorance. The clarity of honesty. The futility of searching for something [someone] who never existed in the first place. That love contains folds and corners that, while are absolutely worth exploring, can be difficult to understand and navigate.

doing / working on //

• self-care. It’s a continuing process. And I feel like I’m starting to make steady progress!
• re-aligning, reducing, ans re-designing my life through increased good habits
• furthering the hunger initiative at my university’s campus ministry
• doing design for an upcoming conference regarding mindfulness in education, as well as design for a program series here at our university’s library
• raising funds for my STUDY ABROAD IN IRELAND THIS YEAR!! 😁😁😁🎉🍀
• trying something new! I got to pose for a couple sessions for friends of mine who are trying to build up their portfolios and it’s pretty cool! I’ve never done something like that before–normally I’m the one behind the camera, normally I like to be the one crafting the scene and making the edits–so it’s SO cool to be just able to chill on the other side and see what happens and their artistic choices come to life! 😀
• Going to the gym. Ha. Who even am I LOL

eating // a lot better. I’ve made it a priority have *some* sort of breakfast when I leave the house, and the

drinking// coffee, trying to drink more water, milk!

listening // …to a lot of lovely, new music. Have a listen ❤

https://youtu.be/V4E1AvbNPg4

being inspired // constantly by the people around me. Sometimes you just look up and everyone is just killing the game and falling into place and it’s so exciting. Also being inspired by the topics and bits and pieces I get to read in the in-between moments.

laughing // more often. I think right now about the weather outside my window– it’s really 55 degrees in January, that’s crazy. I think about how much happier I feel in this warmth, in this sunlight, in these moments of bliss that could completely be overshadowed by some polar vortex in a day or two. I wish the weather didn’t have such a big impact on my mood.. and for the most part, it doesn’t normally; I’ve definitely had moments of pure joy and euphoria amongst the greyest, the coldest of days… but this is definitely a nice little pouch of delight to have at the moment.

thinking // about my financial responsibility, about the framework I still need to set for this summer, and how everything is going to work out. I’m also spending, admittedly, way too much time thinking about people who I can probably guarantee are not doing the same. Just this morning, actually, I was reminded about this curious phenomenon. In a lesson about how Jesus returned to his hometown to preach, how he was doubted, how he was turned away in the minds of those listening…and, most notably, how he left in peace. No pushback, no beating people over the head with what he had to say. It’s true, what they say about people having to be “ready” to listen. Unless the other party is fully receiving your words, there’s not really much you can do in the way of speaking, of convincing, or otherwise. Just something to think about moving forward, I suppose.

trying // my best to push forward, not according to the words of others, but according to what I am feeling, what I am meditating on, what I am perceiving to be the best course of action.

hoping // “zat ze weathzer stays zis mild!!” But honestly. It’s gorgeous. I’m also hoping to crack down a bit more on my to-do list so I can have room for the creative outlets, some of which I hope that I can use for a purpose, for a passion.

loving // all of the beautiful opportunities I’ve been blessed with. Sometimes it takes a moment of looking up and looking around in the immediate surroundings… and that’s when it hits, cognizance of the abundant that exists right. There. In front of you.

praying // for more clarity, more peace, more focus. I’ve felt it, I know I have. I’ve had a taste of what I can do, uninhibited and my focus laser sharp on what matters. However, I know there is still work left to do. So I’m praying for strength and patience, and mindfulness, too.

Happy February!

xx