…it’s still June!

[Reading] Another adult knowledge-y book: STRETCH by Scott Sonenshein— it’s about “Unlocking the Power of Less, and Achiev[ing] More Than You Ever Imagined” (according to the front cover. Picked up this book before I left for the beach [moar on that later!] and I’m almost through with it! It’s got some good stuff, but my favorite thing is probably how Sonenshein incorporates the stories of the lives of all these people he’s met who do their best every day to stretch their knowledge, their paychecks, their talents in order to use less and achieve more. Pretty inspiring and it’s making me regret a lot of things already! (-:  [this means it’s working…??]

[Writing] a letter to me Irish pen pal. (:

[Learning] that keeping up is futile. I’m taking it at my own pace, bitchezzzzz [ha.]

[Doing/Working on] too much…

• 100 cards 100 days  [Hey! I made it to DAY 50! WOOOOOOO]
• Interning at my church on sundays (and maybe saturdays?)
• Working at me job
• Babysitting! 2 adorable kidlins.
• Saving up for a trip to CALIFORNIA [moar on that later (;]
• Writing my Irish penpal
• Watching the sunrise

[Eating] 

• sugar (cherry tarts, coffee laced with it, Gushers, ice cream, etc.)
• seafood
• moar seafood
• tacos
• boardwalk fries
• italian food

[Drinking] not enough water, taaaaaaaangy lemonade, milk, my feelings

[Listening] to NEW MUSIC FINALLY. Oh, and music that accompanied me and my BFF on our 4 hour drive here. Take a peek:

[Laughing] at the fact that I was ambitious enough to attempt to make a VLOG for my entire 4 day vacation. God help me with the editing! Oh and because I thought switching between phone and camera footage was a good idea (-:

[Thinking] about what needs to change, how I need to “stretch”, and where I stand

[Hoping] to keep up my waking up early streak! it’s so nice to have a day feel so full.

[Loving] THIS MAGICAL PLACE CALLED TEH BEACH.

 

 

[Praying] I make it through today and tomorrow [guess who left her entire vacation savings at home!!? (-: ]

Oh look, it’s almost July.

💚,
Steph

the 10 things you didn’t want to know

Here’s a post I found just sitting impatiently in my drafts folder from lots of months ago. 

*Voice inside my head*: “Hey, I’m looking for things to write about this summer….and this is brutally honest, so I guess I’ll put it on the internet!”

Enjoy,

//

When we write the vanilla blogging challenge “10 things you didn’t know about me” posts, we mean something along the lines of “here’s some cool, maybe unknown quirky things you had no idea about!”.

But this is not one of those posts.

This is more of a “10 things you didn’t know about me and probably would never know because I hide them” list. But hey. Here goes:

1. I am impulsive. Like, super impulsive. Sometimes it gets the best of me, and I end up paying for it. Most times sometimes out of my pocket. 

2. I’m an outgoing recluse… that being said, I can bring groups of people together and not have it be awkward, I can easily draw attention to myself and be okay with it (whether its me embarrassing myself or not…). But at the same time– No, Mother, I am not like you…..I like being alone. But not all the time. 

Leave me alone with my thoughts for too long and you’re playing with fire.

3. I am jealous. Far too often, it seems. But I try not to let it get to me.

4. I’m ridiculously independent. So much so that I will feel like breaking off ties for days, or weeks on end, and do wild things to spite you.

5. I have a love/hate relationship with change. When it’s in my control, that’s one thing… but when it’s not, sometimes I feel like pausing the world to cry in the corner. 

6. Lies spill out of my mouth more often than they should. Some are white, some are grey, some are black, and the rest fall into the other 50 shades of grey. [Heh.] 

7. I spend way too much time on the internet/social media sometimes. I’ve deleted Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram off my phone before. Maybe it’s time to do it again. *[Note from the Present: Twitter is dead to me, Facebook is gone, the only ones standing are Insta and Snapchat mostly for my art and social gratification purposes. Woot.]

8. As hard as I try to avoid the whole “waiting on approval from others to move on with my life”, I’m a sucker for everyone being happy. I am a pacifist who craves harmony [but is quick to anger apparently???]. I aim to please, but miss the mark. And end up feeling badly for no reason in the end. 

9. I am not quick to open up to people. Even with a bf of practically 4 years, there’s still pieces that have yet to become dislodged and exposed. *Note: more than 4 years, now, and many things have been dislodged/exposed since. Heh!]

10. Laughing with someone is the fastest/easiest way for me expand my empathy, connect with others, and to fall in love.

Yes, there is a lot of construction to be done, as most of these still hold true like mostly dried cement. But that’s what the years are for. 

on "finding yourself"

There are some days when I wake up thinking “what the heck have I done/am I doing/am I going to do?”
Some days I can’t recognize myself in the mirror because I’m hiding behind everyone else’s plans, views, ideas, opinions.
There are those times where I would just like to go into the forest with nothing but clothes, a pillow, my notebook and a good book, to escape where time doesn’t matter and no one is frazzled about my whereabouts.
There are days where, yes, I feel lost. Where identity is a concept forgotten like the name of the person you just met at a friend’s gathering you really didn’t want to be at.

And it’s with every day that I realize there’s a whole lot more to this whole cinematic ideal of “finding yourself”. More than experimenting with camera angles and shades of matte and jeans so mom-like that if you took a “hip-grunge” polaroid, someone would think you hopped decades.

This summer has brought a lot, and there’s still tons to go. But it’s definitely shown me that “finding one’s self” is not this gigantic experience that falls out of the sky and hits you on the head. In fact, it’s less finding and searching and more stopping and observing. At least, in my experience thus far.

[This could change of course, watch this space, it’s part of the fun. I’m prepared.]

The things that pop up like new notifications forcing you to engage, look deeper and pick apart what is actually there to form a new picture, a new perspective.

My boss has an unrealistic expectation for people to routinely make room for his larger-than-life ego. 
I don’t actually have time for half of the things I want to do. 
I didn’t realize this was toxic.
I’m not as great of a teacher as I thought. 
I don’t *actually* need this. 
This is really boring.
…and this is too fake/vague/empty.
What do I really want?
I spend too much time worrying about what other people think.
I’m in charge of my own happiness.
I can’t fit into a uniform aesthetic 
…because my life is far too vibrant and colourful. 
I deserve better than I think I do.
I am competent and capable. 

It’s thoughts like these that have helped me rethink, re-examine, and re-evaluate some moves. Thoughts that rein me in from the running I think will numb it all and instead direct me towards re-orienting and shifting what’s in my mind’s mirror.

//
Cheers to looking more inward and upward this summer 💚

summer.

I don’t know how hot it was, I only know that the space below my shorts and between my thighs was disgusting, that I forgot to bring sunscreen, and I wasn’t going to allow myself to spend anything on stuff I didn’t need.

But it was hard, lol. [ehhhhh I should really do a shopping ban update, shouldn’t I? Gonna be real with you, I’ve had a few slip-ups!]

It was the last day of the festival and I went with my best friend roomie. I’m sure there’s certain specific criteria that make people saints, but my roomie is one for a lot of reasons. One of which because she drove from ~45ish mins away to pick me and my bad command of Google maps up and take us to the festival.

I eventually broke down and got lemonade [overpriced, overrated; the first 5 sips were cold and heavenly but the final ones made me realize how sugary it was– I’m all for being addicted to sugar but it was a but much, even for me.] to accompany us as we wandered through the thicket of people and kiosks of food, drinks, and handmade goods. It became too hot to bear, though, so we took refuge in a below-ground parking garage where we decided the next plan of the day.

We ended up heading to one of my favorite town centers and opted to see the new Pirates movie [it was great—cheesy at times, but great– if you’ve seen it, let me know what you thought! …And if you teared up a bit at the ending just like we did…! Sorry trying my hardest not to spoil!] and grab a bite to eat.

Thankfully, the temperature had fallen plenty of degrees downwards to be enjoyable, and we settled down with delicious food [classic grilled cheese, tomato soup, homemade pop-tarts, avacado club sandwiches!!], people-watching entertainment, and good deep conversation.

Afterwards I told her we had to go to the top of this one parking garage because the views were always stellar. It was just a bit after sunset when we reached the top and the view definitely hijacked my heartbeat.

There were high walls and open-spaced areas around the stairwell, and a lack of supervision just welcomed our tendencies to climb all over the concrete for the best photo-ops.

At one moment I was on the side of the wall, looking down onto the street below. I have to say with my recent summer plans I haven’t been in many situations that have made my adrenaline pump to the amount it did that night– knowing that any second I *possibly* could have lost my hold, my footing, and maybe fallen somewhere I didn’t intend to. But at the same time–

Being there, on the edge, completely in-tune with my limbs and my surroundings and a mind focused only on the view and where I fit into it…
It just filled me with a feeling I haven’t had for a while– the feeling of being completely in control, unbothered, and exhilirating-ly free.

I just hope the rest of my summer is filled with more moments like those.

T M I [am effing with you]

So I was hostessing at my restaurant job last night (this Tuesday is my last day…!!!). I was half hostessing and half training another hostess (to take my place!!) and an elderly couple walks in.

The gentleman who I’ve seen many times before, stops at the hostess stand as his wife goes on to look at the dessert case. He motions towards my outfit and says “you look lovely tonight”.

In my usual fashion [moar on that later] I glanced down at my rather artistic-y floral/paintbrush stroke blouse and beige suede skirt [I hadn’t worn either of them in quite a while] and I said to him “thank you! Honestly, I’m just trying to wear out my wardrobe– I’m kind of running out of clean clothes– ha!”

The gentleman kind of laughs and says “ah, you could have left that out. That’s a bit too much information.”

The moment is now [the dreaded word:] awkward and I’m just waiting for him to leave and join his wife ogling the desserts.

But it hit me.

Why do we downplay things like this?

I read an excellent post by Vanessa the other day talking about how she wished people could compliment others past the surface– how she wished people could look deeper and focus on what a person does, says, thinks, feels, likes, honors, tries. And how we should take those compliments and give our thank-you’s sincerely.

Much like the whole women-apologize-too-much thing, it seems like so many people downplay compliments like this or just comments in general. Of course the man didn’t need to know about my terrible laundry habits  lack of clean clothing but I told him anyways.

Part of me thinks it’s because it’s a sort of defense mechanism. For diverting attention away from myself. I’m on auto pilot, I don’t know what to say past “thank-you” to be sincere and I ramble.

Part of me also thinks it’s part of an innate desire to keep the conversation interesting. [Abigail has this cool part of her blog where you can sign her guestbook and one of the prompt thingies is something like “‘good’ and ‘fine’ are overrated, overused, and oversimplified ways to can up our feelings in daily conversation– how are you *really* feeling today? There’s a story there and I wanna hear it”].

In fact, I hope that some day my “defense mechanism” will completely shift from just that to something entirely different; a way to break out of the cold, hard, confines of “polite” conversation.

I like doing the unexpected.
I like being spontaneous.
I get a mild joy out of smashing the anticipated. Daily.

Sure, there’s information I keep to myself.
Sure, I know what the levels of personal disclosure are. [I’d probably fail at being in the CIA though]. Sure, I have my own thoughts that roam only in my mind and bring a smile only I’m familiar with to my face.

Sure, I know what oversharing is. Hell, I go in and out of phases of not caring and caring and not caring what I disclose, where, to whom, etc.
However I share what I like, I share what I mean, I like what I share sooooo [a whole ‘nother can of worms there!]

Buuuut sometimes I feel like screwing everything, holding back nothing and pulling something out of left field and just shaking it up.
Because people are not suspecting of curveballs.
Nononono sir, they’re way more comfortable in their predefined, outlined scripts and schemas.

It may have been a bit awkward [for both of us- ha!] and mayyyyybe discussing my bad laundry skills wasn’t the most… professional of topics…

…BUT I’ll bet he had something funny to share with his wife when he caught up to her.
Something slightly out of the ordinary.
That’s just one of many things I’d like to leave on my trail for someone to find.

// sick

my stomach churns
as headlines turn
the heads of those otherwise preoccupied
my heart falls
and sinks to the pit of my stomach
where people and places deteriorate
in a cesspool
absorbed like secondhand smoke
malice flows freely
in one ear
and out the other ear
but also out of the mouth
a disease so airborne
you must wear a mask
those receptive turned skeptical
those skeptical turned defensive
how much poison can one body take
before it stops beating?
there’s nowhere to turn
in a house of watercolor mirrors
images overlapping, blurring
leaking and repeating
trust has fled and taking its place
are uneasiness and fear
when did holding hands become so hard?
when did looking into eachother’s eyes without the lenses
and just knowing
and just being
become taboo?
when were walls thrust forcefully upwards
between idealized and idolized
routine and reality?
they can’t agree on a diagnosis and they never will
you can’t treat what you think doesn’t exist
but a remedy exists yet
for the vulnerable, the starving
the impatient, the dissatisfied
the outcast, the downtrodden
and yet
it is none other than love.

//

There is so much– sometimes too much– to take in.

Between the news, the stories, the posts, the harsh words thrown around like candy at a parade, and the recollections/accounts of people nearest and dearest to me… it is hard. Hard to believe that I live in a world where such insensitivity exists. But there’s hope in knowing that we can overcome– if we could drop the “kill” and grasp the “with kindness”– just imagine.

Praying for all of those right now who are in need of support and love. Let us just be together.

Hey, June

OH my goodness gracious– how is it June already?

I don’t understand it.

Anyways.

[Reading] Another adult knowledge-y book: Terms of Service: Social Media and the Price of Constant Connection by Jacob Silverman. Can’t wait to learn things.

[Writing] not enough. Especially after looking at so many previous posts of mine, I just have this URGE to get back in the game and git ‘er done but ugh my time is being allotted elsewhere at the moment. 

[Learning] that I have changed. A lot. In many good ways, and in some bad ways.

[Doing] too much…

• 100 cards 100 days [and slightly failing– I need more time in the day!]
• Volunteering with my old German teacher
• Quitting my restaurant job (-:
• Saving up for a trip to CALIFORNIA [moar on that later (;]
• Writing my Irish penpal 

[Eating] SO MUCH SUGAR it’s terrible. What did I have today?
-a girl scout cookie
-strawberry pie
-chicken nuggets
-ice cream
-a hamburger

…all in that order, I believe. Heh.

[Drinking] not enough water. Again. Though I’m starting to get better about carrying a bottle around and keeping it by my bedside!

[Listening] to some oldies. Honestly, such a walk down memory lane and coming from a concert at my old high school with a theme of “decades” just enhances the feeling:

[Laughing] at things, definitely some things from the past few days. [I’d be more specific but I am honestly blanking at the moment. I just remember that I’ve laughed. It was definitely laughing. Which beats the alternative of crying, right? Heh]

[Thinking] about the DAYS I HAVE LEFT BEFORE I LEAVE MY RESTAURANT JOB like omg [I’m not counting or anything…] and about the ways I can improve my own happiness.

[Hoping] for no more rain, some relaxation, and that I get up on time tomorrow. Woo.

[Loving] music and all of its healing properties. Oh, and water. Water is a godsend, too.

[Praying] I make it through tomorrow and this week.

Let’s get it, June.

💚,
Steph