Coming "Home"

This is weird.

I haven’t been here since August 24th.

It’s like I’m in a limbo of sorts– home isn’t foreign to me yet, as I expected it would be, but I find that I miss the university incredibly.

My brother is getting confirmed this weekend, it’s my parent’s anniversary, and it was the first and possibly only chance I’d get to see my middle brother perform his whole marching band show.
So I came home.

I didn’t anticipate these feelings, though.

I went to a high school football game feeling like a stranger.  I had unpleasant dreams in my own bed.  I’ve felt a sort of lonely I haven’t felt in a long time.

It feels as if the colors are dull. One of my friends wrote an article about coming home so soon after leaving for college and how it was so easy to slip into old habits, old mindsets…

I was excited to see my family (and my puppies!) for the first time in 3-4ish weeks, time seemed to fly by. And I know I’ll only be here a total of 3 days (heck, I leave tomorrow) but I already feel homesick.

For my new home. My new friends. My new sense of drive and purpose.

I spent a huge portion of my time today in bed.  Neglecting work. Watching movies with my little sister in my old room that is now a mess since my sisters have taken it over.  Not that there’s anything wrong with bonding with my little sister over movies we haven’t quite seen before, but I felt too comfortable, and it felt odd.
The atmosphere of my room feels empty, sad, dark.  (This might have something to do with the fact that I took a ton of stuff with me, and that there’s no real light source in the room anymore– the headboard lamp I could so easily switch on from a reclined position in bed has vanished, leaving me to sit in piles of dusty anxiety and cluttered memories.)

I also miss eating whenever I want.  With certain life circumstances right now, grazing freely at any and all hours of the day is not exactly smiled upon.

I miss taking walks at night and talking with my suite mates until the wee hours of morning. I miss the fast wifi and engaging professors and stunning sunsets that catch me off guard as I stumble full of spinach from the dining hall.

It might be because I couldn’t, for the longest time, wait to leave. To start over.  To finally break free of everything pressing down on me and rebuild everything.

Coming back feels like I’m pulling off the bricks I just learned to lay.

Coming back feels like leaving home.

Re-Orientation

I feel super spiritually lifted right now.

Went to a cute little coffee shop downtown called “Shenandoah Joe” and it was so yummy.  I’ll definitely be back (:

…Part of it could be the caffeine from the caramel macchiato [oof, I’m so white] I just consumed… but I think most of it is from the fact that, after a coffee date with a newfound friend here on campus, I’ve realized how far I’ve come in terms of being around new people the past three weeks.

Some people don’t know that I am, on the occasion, quite the introvert.  I like order, I like things where they’re supposed to be, and spontaneity, though I claim to do it often, just sometimes doesn’t fit into my mental  expectations.  I like sitting and talking and learning and existing with people I know, people I’m comfortable with, people who have the same mindset as me.  But ever since I’ve been at university, everyday I’m being flung into the the unknown, the uncertain, and the new.

I have known some of my friends since kindergarten, and after years upon years of seeing them every day, friendship was inevitable.  Now, though I still have some of those friends, some have almost seemed to fade into the background (which, to be fair, has kinda been happening since the start of senior year in high school).

But my friend and I were just talking a bit ago about how these past weeks (for her, the past 3 years, since she’s a senior in college now) has basically forced us to leap out of our comfort zones and make friends with people.  We had both seemed to be suffering from “comfort zone” syndrome, which basically means that we’ve made friends from our environment and haven’t had to go out and seek new ones for a long time… It’s like me, who’s been in a relationship for so long that you’ve forgotten how to “date”, and meeting someone new is basically redefining yourself and explaining your entire being to someone who knows nothing about you.

It’s pretty cool. …But also super awkward sometimes, because you realize that what’s normal to you is totally not for other people… especially if you come from different places….

I don’t even know where this post is going….

But just….know that it’s felt so good to build new connections again, and that learning new things about new people has felt so refreshing, that the world is so much bigger than your little bubble that you think is only yours, and that the more you practice making new bonds, the easier it becomes (:

xx

Life As of Lately: Whirlwind of Week 2

Hi, guys.

It feels good to sit here again… even though it means I’m not reading a textbook that I should be reading (shhhhhhhhhhhh).

Anyways. I just want to update this kind of post because there are so many things that don’t fit into the categories I’d had set up before.

Let me unfold this week for you.

[Reading] Art History (Volume 2) by Marilyn Stokstad and Michael W. Cothren. The beginning part was interesting, because it was about art. Now I’m moving into the history part and it’s not the most fun in the world…

[Writing] Articles! I feel like I’m not posting here often because I’m posting elsewhere, and it feels like a job. That being said, it kinda is, because I’m supposed to write content and have people like and share it (which makes me feel a bit awkward because I hate spamming people’s feeds and I don’t want to tell them “hey look what I wrote go share it and like it so I can get paid!” It’s just not me… So I just write content, share it on FB and Twitter and hope people stumble upon it. I prefer to work behind the scenes. But if you wanna check out some past WIP’s, here’s some places to hit up:

• Perks of Long Distance Relationships in College
• A Letter to My Freshman Brother
• 12 Things I Learned My First Week of College

[Learning] About human psychological development, effective public speaking, art history, and physics and chem. Unlike in high school, I like learning about this stuff, and homework is somewhat enjoyable (: 

[Doing] Homework >.< Lots of it. And cleaning. I'm one of those people who stress-cleans.

[Eating] Triple berry salads!! I discovered these in a dining hall like, a week ago and I was so happy. Ingredients include:

-spinach leaves

-blueberries

-strawberries

-raspberries

-balsamic vinaigrette

-almond slivers

-onions

It sounds so weird but the flavors all together are FANTABULOUS. 10/10 would recommend. 

ALSO I ate at a place downtown today called Billy Jack’s. It was a hip little wooden bar place and they had these things called “sticky nugs”, chicken nuggest made of *gasp* real chicken, and covered in this sweet chili sauce… It looked like general Tso’s chicken, but wasn’t crunchy. All I know is that it was super tasty.  

[Drinking] Milk. I’m not kidding. I literally drink it with every meal here. I had too much coffee tonight though, that’s why I’m frigging awake writing this post -_____-

[Seeing] Downtown! And sunsets! And a praying mantis! 

[Laughing] at the people above us who think it’s fun to bang around loudly at 2am every night and then call us witches when we try to ask them politely to keep it on the bed and off the floor…. 

But I’m also laughing at the dry humour of my art history professor, who slides in casual nonsense to see if we’re paying attention. And I love it. 

[Thinking] about all I have to do. About this weekend visiting J. About myself and who I am and what I hope to get out of this uni experience.

[Hoping] that I can get my work schedules together soon… I’ve submitted all my paper work, I’m just waiting on the bench saying “put me in coach!!” Not like I’m eager to start working again… I just hate seeing moths fly out of my bank account. 

[Loving] my suite mates. Not gonna lie, I have no idea how my roomie and I got so lucky to have them. They’re just as quirky as we are, and we all understand each other. They’re literally other halves of my heart and I appreciate them so much.

[Praying] that it gets cooler soon. It was 92 degrees today near 5pm which is not allowed. Also praying that I can make it to our youth church service on campus this coming Sunday. I met an awesome group of new people that I’m so happy with, and it’s amazing that I get to see them every week via church gatherings.

How are y’all holding up?

xx