a merry little christmas 🎄

The days leading up to Christmas eve felt harrowing, hollow, and riddled with anxiety, not to mention filled with the various bouts of depression related to finances, being alone, being sick, being VERY under-employed…

I forced myself to go to urgent care earlier that week because what I didn’t know was that my tonsils had been invaded by strep throat. Considering the fact that 2023 started with a blood clot in my leg, and traumatic move-out/partial homelessness and a very emotional, crunchy, & soul-sorting breakup… the circumstances felt almost TOO comical. (Can we pls just….do 2024 already?)

Call it weakened immune system due to chronic stress or a prolonged interaction with young children in the thickness of flu season…but I had not felt *this sick* in a LONG time (we’re talking chills, the dizziness, the feeling faint when standing up, the gross bathroom parts…you name it). Add anxiety and absolute p a n i c Σ(‘◉⌓◉’) on top of it all….? What a mess.

Thankfully, the moment I started antibiotics, I felt some relief. I just found it hilarious that *this* was how I was going into Christmas– panicked, alone, financially stressed… and to top it off, I didn’t have *any* decor up, including a tree.

It may sounds silly or stupid but… growing up, we always had a colorful tree with funny ornaments (a lot of them crafted by myself and my siblings over the years) in the house leading up to Christmas (and often way past Epiphany, lol). In an apartment that had been mostly vacated by my roommate, alone and single, not near any family or in a committed relationship… I did *not* feel any sort of Christmas spirit.

So I did what perhaps no one else does the day before Christmas eve. I go to the nearest thrift store and look at their assortment of trees. I see one that is 7 ft tall and pretty robust for being a used tree, and I look at the price tag. $54.

With less than $200 in my bank account, that would not be a responsible purchase. But I ask a guy that works there about how getting one out of the store works. And then he mentioned to me that “all Christmas and holiday paraphernalia (including trees) were 50% off.” I did say holy shit to him on the spot. That was much more doable. $27 for a 7 foot tree?? I couldn’t believe it.

I sent my prayers of thanks to the angels chillin above and snagged it right away. The dude helped shove it into my newly acquired tiny car. I lugged it up the stairs to the apartment in pieces and spent the next 3 hours setting it up, folding out the limbs and bending them to make the fake tree seem fuller, more luscious. I found the small collection of ornaments I did have, and put them on: a felt octopus from my college roommates, a beautiful new hand-engraved one from a friend in town, a college-alumni one my parents had sent a few years back, a glass one I’d made myself…. and as I was hanging them, I remembered the existence of a toilet-plunger one that had been given to me by my ex’s mother (“in good fun”) that had somehow gotten lost in a move between TX and CO. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ oopsie-poopsie.

I did have to go out and try to find a string of lights. Score, the local grocery store. Tinsel, however, nowhere to be found. There must be a run on the shiny stuff on strings.

I finished off the tree with a DIY/finagled “tree skirt” which was technically a super warm fuzzy blanket that was sent to me by a longtime childhood friend… and then I stepped back and had to admire. Being 4pm, it was already starting to get dark outside and so the glow was real and enchanting. I was struck with the memory of trying to make a “christmas tree” in my college dorm, out of a carnival light saber, some colored plastic pieces I’d cut out of plastic ziplocs, a string of lights adorned on paper-tubed branches, haphazardly attached to the lightsaber, all rooted inside a Starbucks thermos. What a time.

It was quiet. I was alone.
(….minus my pet turtle floating with curiosity and confusion at the huge glowing light triangle I’d just propped up in the living room. I journaled. I made some spaghetti. There were just 4 presents under the tree: one from one of my best friends from back home, one from some beloved community members, and one from my roommate…and one *for* my roommate.

I’m just thankful I had an apartment to be in, to have a magical moment with a tree, and, to somehow still feel very loved and held by chosen family and friends, near and far.

I got to wake up (when I wanted to) on Christmas day to a little bit more snow, a joyful and curious turtle, and plans to see 2 sets of friends: in the morning we had plans to make french toast. In the evening, I helped make crab-stuffed mushrooms and puff-pastry fold-over things containing asparagus and brie. I ended the night in my own bed and, though it was nothing crazy or flashy or insane or indulgent…will remember this Christmas for many, many years to come.

xx