you Cough
Lingering in my lungs
sticking to my insides
dimming my spirit
stifling my laughter
despite the elderberry
Wine
sudafedwatersleep™
tempting me not to show up
daring me to arrive anyways
even though I could just sit out
Just this once
I’m tired of you.
you Cough
enthrall me against my will
without warning
grip my heart
and strangle my breaths once again
garnering looks
all sorts of tilted mouths
and crumpled eyebrows
You see me
You have me
and I don’t know
why I came anymore.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.
This March just felt like a bucking bronco the whole way, though.
And just like that, it’s over.
Crazy.
It’s been a while since I’ve put things here. I like to think that it’s because I’ve been busy, out there learning and doing and getting caught up in being excited again, rather than brooding on old things.
So.
Without further ado.
read/reading // writing //
READING this brilliant book. It’s called Note to Self by Connor Franta. It’s a series of photos, short essays, and poetry– all deeply *deeply* profound and something I found myself resonating with quite a lot. 13/10, would recommend.
Also reading this adorable book a bit every morning: Have a Little Pun, written and delightfully illustrated by Frida Clements.
learning // about a lot. Both personally and academically. I’ve been trying to keep a list of things I’ve learned every day on a personal Trello board of mine… but I’ve been a little remiss in keeping up with it ):
One thing I will say though, is that after the conference I attended RE: mindfulness and contemplative practices in higher education, I got hit with a wall of truths.
One of which I had read somewhere before, but only realized earlier this month.
They say you shouldn’t publish things you’re still working through. No books, no passive aggressive tweets or blog posts or articles.
Well YIKEs.
I think about depression, I think about heartache, I think about relationship troubles… And the reason for that is this: it’s because we’re still processing. Everything we’re feeling, everything we know, and everything we don’t know quite yet hasn’t quite fallen into place. And we don’t have the capacity to be judged harshly by others quite yet.
I think about my bouts of angsty wanna-be poetry *wince*.
I think about the outpouring of emotions I’ve committed to this space, perhaps before they were actually ready. And I find myself torn between deleting a phase [“it’s not a phase mom!”] and keeping it for reflection, as a gauge to just check in with myself and see the results work in progress, and just how diligently time presses me to move past, move forward.
doing / working on //
eating // the Girl Scout cookies and Sourpatch kids I was blessed with in the mail (,:
drinking// coffee [though I gave it up for a solid week there for a sec!], milk, and not enough water! AHAHA!
listening // …to not a lot lately. I realized this today, actually. I think it’s because I’ve been without my headphones for a bit now… but here we go regardless:
being inspired // by my collegiate community. On March 28th, 2019, a fire broke out in an apartment complex just down the road from me. Many students lost absolutely. Everything. Someone started a GoFundMe and [pardon the pun I’m terrible] before you know it, it spread like wildfire. In just about 3 hours, my school managed to raise around 30k for these students. It absolutely blew my mind. Right now they’ve raised over 90k.
The next day I went to the place they were taking donations and when I walked in my jaw almost hit the floor– there were boxes piled up so high on the first and second floors, full of donated goods, gently used goods, and brand spanking new items as well. I really had no words. It was amazing. And the volunteers were working tirelessly throughout the evening.
laughing // so much this past weekend. It was so beautiful out, my birthday held *THE BEST* weather. I had friends come in from all over to celebrate getting old with.. and it hit me harder than ever how important good people are in this life, in my life. How thankful and lucky I am. ❤
thinking // …still about my financial responsibility, about the framework I still need to set for this summer, and how everything is going to work out. I’m thinking about my grades [even though I know they aren’t the be-all, end-all] and how I can finish this semester out strong. I’m thinking about my social circles, what I can do to spread love and positivity amongst the people I love most.
trying // my best to push forward, not according to the words of others, but according to what I am feeling, what I am meditating on, what I am perceiving to be the best course of action.
hoping // to buckle down and do my math homework, prioritize effectively, and take more advantage of the nice weather that is scheduled to come up.
loving // all of the beautiful opportunities, people, passions, and causes I’ve been blessed with. It’s so hard sometimes to stop. So hard to just put things down and take in what’s happening. But I swear. Just one moment of looking up and looking around in the immediate surroundings… it hits. Almost without fail. The cognizance of the abundant that exists right. There. In front of you. ^_^
praying // for what my February self wanted: clarity, peace, focus, and energy. I’ve felt it, I know I have. I’ve had a taste of what I can do, uninhibited and my focus laser sharp on what matters. However, I know there is still work left to do. So I’m praying for strength and patience, and mindfulness, too.
Here we go, April.
xx
strictly stephanie 