In the rearview

I went back today and re-read the first post I ever wrote on this blog. This was prompted, undoubtedly, by seeing Vivian’s 2-year blog-a-versary [!!] [congrats!!] and an overcast feeling that has followed me pretty much throughout the back end of this week.

And maybe this post should totally be saved for my actual blog-a-versary [this will be my fourth year…??] but reading that first post…[and the first couple, actually] definitely opened my eyes to a few things that would be nice to write about right now.

For instance, the amount of detail I put into the posts. What I probably thought was “ranting” at the time was really just me, re-creating and re-crafting what I had experienced, in a more extensive stream of consciousness. Re-reading them puts me back. In the moments. Some moments I’d almost forgotten, actually. But that’s where the magic happens. Just in describing things exactly the way they are, I think it transforms the mundane and the mundane post. I really want to get back into this.

Or the unfiltered-ness.  I know back then I just wanted a blog and I probably wanted to be cool but I was still unabashedly nerdy about it, and was incredibly open. I know there was a point either this past summer or the summer before where I tried so hard to get back to posting with that level of honesty and openness… but looking back now it’s almost like I had it from the start. I think it was when I got nose-deep in high school some things fell off the wagon… I know I was also probably a lot stupider when it comes to divulging personal/sensitive information back there. *wince*

Or the design. Lol. I had nearly forgotten what my old blog used to look like, but I looked at one of my old saved templates just now and WOW. I did not know what I was doing back then. #basicbloggrchick

Or some of my beliefs. This girl has come a lonnnnnnnng way in this area. Politically, religiously, socially, etc. And there’s definitely another huge belief I’ve developed: you can’t fucking please everyone, no matter how hard you try. 

Pardon my French.

Or how I got pumped about 100 pageviews. LOL views don’t frigging matter. This is my space, I’ll do with it what I will, and if you’re here, welcome, I love you, and thank you. But if you’re not here, that’s okay too.

Or the commitment. By golly I was writing a post like every day. I remember mentioning being on a “blogger’s high” but honestly I think I was just hella bored and had no real responsibilities and was just looking for an excuse to use a computer. Believe me, I *wish* I could devote time every day to write. [I can barely keep up with my 100 cards in 100 days project].

…Or the optimism. I thought I promised myself I wouldn’t grow cranky and cynical with age??!! UGH but alas, comparing my present posts with those early ones I can TOTALLY see a difference in perspective and mood.

[Well, that’s depressing.]

But it’s not like I’m going to feign happiness and pretend my life is good and happy and perfect and that everything is rainbows and dandelions and puppy fur. Nope. That’s called being fake. And I hate that. I like aesthetic things but I don’t want to drastically become something I’m not or give the impression of that. God, if there’s one thing in this world I want to find the perfect balance of realness to have with another human [this is a work in progress].

Or the [more] clever titles. [Where the hell did I pull them from…?] Maybe I’ll put some more effort into mine from now on.

Sooooo yup.
I’m still perusing and I continue to see growth and change and honestly, that’s all I really wanted out of this blog. Just a way to document who I was, who I am, and who I’m becoming.

And that, I think, is something to be proud of.

💚
steph

c o l o r

in a rush
out of touch
calm yourself, you think too much
i’m going there
find me here
suffocating in the stratosphere
call me
beep me
but my phone’s broken
probs won’t reach me
cuz i’m lost within the green and blue
napping
grappling
for some truth
in those artificial stars that glow
peering down on peers below
i want something i can’t hold
grab it quick we’re growing old
don’t need shoes i got one pair
and
    they
         will
             take
                 me
                   anywhere.

//
found this collage while cleaning and decided to build something based off of the associations I had with it. Besides it being an accurate picture of my mind’s eye, it just brings back some fond memories.

xx
steph

Life as of Lately: May-O

Hey all! Happy May! Finally home for the summer and kicking it in my non-homework filled life. [to those still in school– YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you!]

Shall we?

[Reading] A childhood favorite [cuz why not?] Half Moon Investigations by Eoin Colfer.

[Writing] BLOGS! For the first time in foreverrrrrrr, it feels like. I’m also writing letters and sentiments on the insides of the cards I’m working on . 

[Learning] how to hostess. It’s weird just standing at the front of a restaurant when I’m so used to hurry-scurrying all around and behind the scenes. Then again, it’s mind-numbingly easy and I don’t really have to “deal” with those customers… so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Doing] lots! 

• For one, picking up shifts as a hostess at my restaurant [the Italian one that I *fortunately* don’t own, lol].
• 100 cards in 100 days project! [more on that here] 
• unpacking stuff into my room still!
• running in the mornings!

[Eating] …nothing so far. [Is it bad that all I’ve eaten today was a banana? I should fix that…]

[Drinking] not enough water! It’s hard now that I don’t have my Brita out constantly staring me in the face and my roomie constantly chugging water to remind me to drink water. So I need to get on that.

[Listening] to some old and new! As you can tell I’m mildly obsessed with Ed Sheeran’s new stuff and John Mayer’s new stuff as well. And then I was just in a Daughtry mood so this happened:

[Laughing] welllllll this made me laugh the hardest I have in a while: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lncoq4VXKXM appeared in the FB feed and I legit watched it 20 times straight.

[Thinking] about how I’m gonna be trying to get to DC next weekend, about how I need to submit my vacation dates to my various employers [😳], and how much, realistically, I’ve got to make this summer to put a dent in that tuition!

[Hoping] for more gorgeous weather and an easy shift tonight.

[Loving] NOT HAVING HOMEWORK [I’m sorry guys. It’s just reaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly nice like omg]

[Praying] a new daily prayer I’ve adapted! Check it out:

How’s May treating *you* all?

💚,
Steph

transience

After a strange turn of events [some of which included me going for a run in the rain with my phone completely out and unprotected leading to a complete short-out and loss of data ahahah lol I’m smart]

…and one helluva cookout [loaded with juicy meat–lol–and waaay too many s’mores]

I re-arrive at a realization

That pictures are fleeting, much like the moments they attempt to capture. 

Sometimes I whip out my phone or camera to capture what I think is profound. Sometimes others will do the same. 

But when I’ve lost all of my digital data– what do I have left? 

An empty shell and disappointment? 

Or do I have connections, associations, feelings, memories, emotions– all linked to those very fleeting moments I was attempting to capture in the first place?

The cookout tonight happened to be with my home church’s youth group. I went [without my hunk of metal stuck in my back pocket!] mainly to go and get to meet the middle schoolers– a group I’ll be volunteering with a lot this summer in youth group sessions. 

I met a girl tonight for the first time– I had seen her sing in the choir just this morning for Youth Sunday [this is when the youth of the church basically run the whole service. It was a bit of a hot mess but hey– they did the best they could and it was very youthful, entertaining and heartwarming.]. Her name was Lil, she was in 6th grade, and upon actually meeting her I realized she was blind. 

I don’t want to sound like a completely insensitive person here– but I honestly almost never interact with blind people and I didn’t really know how I should act. In fact, I suddenly grew very aware of how many topics of conversation rode on the concept of “seeing” or “witnessing” or “watching” [“Have you seen the new….?”, “Oh I binge watched….” “Your shirt looks so….”]. 

But I knew from various other experiences that blind people want to, more or less, be treated the same way as normal people are. 

So I tried to do just that. 

After introducing myself she said “you’re cool!” and asked if I could help her get some burgers and chips from the table of food. I said “of course!” and led her to a spot on the grass where she set her blanket down and proceeded to chow down on a grade A juicy hamburger. 

Somehow the conversation turned to Star Wars and I knew I had opened a Pandora’s box [a good kind, though!] I learned that she loves listening to all of the Star Wars scores, and is a huge fan of the cartoon [I think Disney?] spinoff as well as is fanfiction. She kept mentioning how she loved Rey [from The Force Awakens] and how strong-headed she was. She told me about how she imagined Rey’s face at this and this and that point in the movie, and I told her I obviously needed to re-watch it to see all of Rey’s reactions [mainly to Finn’s stupid movies] she was talking about. She even confided in me that she thought Darth Vader wasn’t really truly that evil.

But what I couldn’t get over was how in-tune with her environment she was. She hung on every word I said, had no problem knowing exactly who was talking to her [as she knew everyone’s voice] and told me all about how she uses Google’s Alexa for practically everything. She wasn’t glued to her phone like the other “I’m too cool for middle school” girls there. Rather, she was so bright and cheerful and attentive and easy going and I just wanted to hug her the whole time. She also just made me stop to think about who I am and what I have and how important it is to sit and talk with people, even though they may not be able to see you [this can be interpreted on multiple levels]. 

I thought about how important it is to be present, and how sometimes I should focus not on the visuals, not on the physicals, the million pieces of digital information that flow in and out every day that are likable, shareable, visible… 

But the parts that you experience, that you feel… 

Those are what matter. 

So even though I’ve revived my whole shorted-out-from-the-rain phone situation, tonight remains as a wake-up call to put it down, sit with those you care about, and forget about sight for a second. We might not be able to get to [or save!] those selfies, those Polaroids, those Snapchats, those forgotten photos buried on our camera roll. 

 But the stuff residing in your heart and what you’re feeling/gaining from those interactions, those treasured moments of fellowship– those can be [more or less, not really taking disease into account here] forever retrieved. 

What is *your* favorite moment of presence this week?

Moving On, Getting Over

artsy pic brought to you by the incredible rasdortl

[shoutout to Mayer for those splendid lyrics I feature up there]

It’s here.

I’m done.

I’m out.

Well, almost.

I’m just… currently sitting in a room almost completely devoid of my belongings.

All photos and posters that littered the walls have been boxed, the rainbow lights twinkled in swags along the line where wall meets ceiling have been wound up, twist-tied, and packed away.

1 out of 3 (and soon to be 2!) of my suite-mates has/have left.

The only things that remain are my computer and basic toiletries, along with my very proactively coordinated outfit for the official move out.

Roaming around and about today I saw fridges, rugs, lamps — all thrown to the wayside — and a giant dumpster filled with the expired fruits of freshman year.

My last exam ended hours ago, and though I have been relieved of all responsibility I find myself at the library, a reading bystander to the (sometimes hilarious) campus crawls.*

*Campus crawl: Seniors about to graduate go to all of their most memorable places on campus and take a drink at each one. Here, however, there’s a particular fondness for wearing banana suits while doing the crawl. As someone who has never seen this tradition before, I found a gaggle of guys tramping around the book stacks in bright yellow banana suits and frat boy shorts rather intriguing. 

But summer is here and I’m about to conquer it.

What a strange feeling.

So many hours of stress and sleep deprivation all emptied into one final release.

Though I’m not exactly so sure how long it will last….

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Welcome, summer. I’ve been so expecting you.

💚,
steph

Final Thoughts [completely unrelated to finals]

This is my view right now. 

As I was walking back to my dorm I saw all of the soon-to-be graduates taking graduate pictures in the golden sunlight in their white flowing dresses on the quad and in front of all of the keystone/important buildings on campus. 

I saw the giant stacks of event chairs lined up near the cobblestone walk ready to be pulled out and unfolded for commencement. 

The sun is shining (well, it’s setting *sadly!* as I write this) and it’s 78 degrees.

I plopped down here on my blanket with my backpack in an effort to get some studying done but I can’t seem to focus. Instead of two-way prepositions, relativ saetze, and konjunktiv II my thoughts toss around concepts of the future, when and how my grad pictures will happen, and the mere fact that I am, essentially, one of those balls atop a Plinko board, with the potential to fall in any direction but no real idea as to which slot of pegs I’ll come tumbling out of. 

Which, in itself, is quite an ominous thought. 

And then I thought about how, in three days, I will be finished with my first year of college. I was reading just not that long ago that a 7-year-old’s perception of time is wickedly different than a teen’s perception/young adult’s, due to the endless scheduling and tasks coming due and less time for play and beautiful mundane. It’s cliche to say that time has flown and yet–

It has. 

 All of the past months, I feel like, have been a blur and only when I’m looking at records of conversation and camera rolls can I somehow get an idea of where the time went. People have come and gone, visited and stayed, huddled in and let go. 

It’s also a soothing reminder, of sorts. Those days when you think “I can’t do this, I have no idea what I’m doing, there’s no way”, Those days are limited to 24 hours and then there’s a reset button– and you pick up and start over and push on and smooth over. 

It’s also a bit of a wake up call. Do you ever wish that you could just clone your more experienced self and send it back to your struggling self to have as a friend? 

If I could carbon copy myself now and send my copy in time to my first few weeks here (or even to my senior year in high school!) (but Lord help me I would annoy the hell out of myself) I would see that the carbon copy has come such a long way, has fought through what seemed to be impossible, has conquered things that, to the original copy, were beyond all thought, action, and dream.

So as I sit here, floating between revelation and responsibility (nervousness hasn’t really set in and my first final is tomorrow at 8am) I’m honestly just so thankful for all of the things this year has taught me– about the world, about my life, and about myself.

What has this year taught you? …And how excited are you to embrace summer?